In July 2019, Ariel and Paul Turcotte's lives were abruptly changed forever when their son Hayden, along with his girlfriend Maddy Stroup, were killed in a car accident by a driver who failed to stop at a stop sign.
Both Hayden and Maddy were in their early 20s with life plans ahead of them, said Ariel, Hayden's mom, while speaking about the tragedy. In order to deal with the overwhelming grief and to find others who could help, Ariel joined a group called Compassionate Friends in North Vancouver, a peer-support group offering friendship and understanding to bereaved parents.
As defined by emotion researchers, the term compassion/compassionate is a feeling that motivates people to go out of their way to relieve the physical, mental or emotional pains of others and themselves.
The Turcotte's moved to the qathet region in 2021 and Ariel co-founded the Powell River chapter of Compassionate Friends.
'The world is not good with grief," said Ariel. "We don't know what to say, we don't know how to deal with it, we don't want to upset people, so we don't say anything."
Ariel wants to change the culture of silence around grief by providing a toolbox for those who may not know what to say to a friend or loved one going through a painful time. She emphasized that in most cases the person grieving wants to talk about the person they lost, and by listening and phrasing things in a thoughtful way, it can create a less awkward exchange.
“For example, calling or texting to say, 'how are you?,' may not be the best thing to say, but phrasing it slightly differently, by saying, 'how is today, or right now?'" said Ariel. “They [the person grieving] can answer that.”
Ariel has been working on her grief but said it's not easy.
"Talk about it and really listen," said Ariel. "I'm grateful for all of the things that have fallen in my lap because I'm an outgoing person. It's a very different grief journey than a person who's not outgoing."
Honouring a person who has passed with physical objects is another way of harnessing grief into a positive action.
Ariel said there is a memorial garden at the cemetery in Kelly Creek that looks more like a fairy garden than a typical cemetery.
"There are carvings and sculptures all over the place for people, and it's beautiful," she added.
Her husband Paul built a memorial bench for Hayden and Maddy carved with: ''See you soon," one of Hayden's well-known phrases to his friends.
"My goal is to help teach the world about grief," said Ariel. "After I came back from a retreat in Seattle, I thought we should have one closer to home."
Ariel and a few others are organizing a retreat for grieving parents called Nurturing Our Souls, which is happening in Nanaimo this September.
The Powell River chapter of Compassionate Friends has applied for charitable status. Approval will make it easier to obtain grants, give out bursaries and collect donations. Many families going through grief need extra income support.
"I can think of how grateful I am for my son, and that I had him for 22 years," said Ariel. "We had 400 people celebrate his life. I learned so much about him. We have the choice to be happier, even though something is horrible, right? And we have a choice of what to do with it [grief]."
The Compassionate Friends support group has chapters all over the world. To find out about the Powell River chapter, search for the group on Facebook or email: [email protected].
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