There was a time when the need for a newborn to connect with parents was referred to as bonding. The term was accurate as far as it went but it in no way indicated the critical importance of that first relationship.
The holding and cooing, the feeding and the rocking were considered just part of having a baby in the house. We thought that all new parents fell deeply in love and made all the right choices to nurture the child. What a lovely thought!
In the 1950s, psychologists started to pay more attention to this bonding activity, recognizing that it had more profound implications than first thought. A psychologist named John Bowlby became the leading proponent of attachment theory, stating: “Attachment theory is an extensive, inclusive theory of personality and social development.”
Bowlby and his cohort believed that an infant had an inherent need to attach with at least one primary caregiver in the first six months of life. A positive attachment in the child’s early life would result in secure attachment which is understood to be an individual who is self-assured, confident and content with life.
His theory also identified that interrupted attachment would lead to the child developing an insecure attachment style that would be the blueprint for future relationships.
He described three types of insecure attachment: fearful, dismissive and preoccupied. Each of these styles are most evident in how an individual forms and maintains relationships throughout childhood and into adult life.
The fearful style arises in the person who is afraid to get close, afraid to be rejected and is slow to connect on a substantive level. The dismissive style is demonstrated in individuals who hold others at arms-length. They are fiercely independent and avoidant of commitment.
The preoccupied style is best described as enmeshment. In the preoccupied style, the underlying message is always: “I need you; I can’t live without you.”
In significant relationships, all three styles can create confusion, distress and resentment. I often refer to attachment as the foundation for intimacy. How can I allow myself to be completely intimate with my partner if the way I attach with others is unhealthy?
It is surprising how often attachment is a factor in the counselling experience. Attachment is embedded in how we see the world, which in turn is the basis for how we write the story that guides our life choices. If we approach life through a lens of fear, enmeshment, or we are dismissive of others, it is not a big leap to understand how this can go wrong in so many parts of life.
Every one of us has had some positive input and some negative input from our main caregivers. There are no perfect parents. Secure or insecure attachment is dependent on what was dominant in our childhood experience, the positive input or the negative input.
Assessing your early experiences is not about blame, it is about getting to know yourself better. All the answers are within you.
Deborah Joyce is a psychotherapist with a practice in Powell River and Comox Valley. For more information, go to deborahjoyce.ca.
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