Describing romantic relationships as a rollercoaster ride is a common perspective. The question many ask is: “How can it be so hard when I know we really love each other?”
It does seem to be contrary to all of our expectations. Remember when you first met? You didn’t want to be apart.
You had so much to share. Nothing about your partner annoyed you. Your heart fluttered at the thought of seeing one another. You couldn’t keep your hands off each other. Ah, the joy of it all!
Most of that time can be attributed to oxytocin, the love drug. When we meet someone who attracts that special kind of attention, our brain floods with a chemical that excites our reward centre and draws us to that individual like a moth to a flame.
That level of intense excitement cannot be maintained. Over time our relationships transition to a more manageable stage of positive connection as we get to know the other person.
We form a partnership through which we build a life together. This is appropriate and much more long-lasting than the unsustainable love fog of the new relationship. In this stage, the rollercoaster aspect becomes more apparent.
From time to time I offer couples’ groups and one of their favourite activities is something I call “Two Worlds Colliding,” in which the group creates two diverse backgrounds for a fictional couple. Then the group predicts some of the potential areas of conflict.
The concept behind this activity is that we all bring our whole selves to our significant relationship. Everything that has happened to us from birth (and before) to the present has shaped who we are and how we see the world.
You and your partner are not clones and your life experience to date can be extremely different. The differences can account for a good number of the ups and downs of the relationship.
For example, if one has grown up in poverty where money was a source of anxiety and fear, and the other grew up in comfort with no concerns related to finances, the relationship with money can be vastly different. This can result in a constant tug and pull on the topic of money. This is also an example of how language can put a couple at odds.
We think we are speaking the same language but if the word “money” gives me a stomach ache it has a completely different meaning than that of my partner, who sees money as currency to a comfortable life. One is afraid to spend and the other wants to spend. This can spell conflict.
Relationships ebb and flow in the natural course of development. When differences of opinion arrive, one of the best communication strategies is to be curious. Ask for more information to try to understand where the divergent opinion is coming from.
If you are willing to take a step back and understand your partner’s point of view, you will both reap the rewards.
Deborah Joyce is a psychotherapist with a practice in Powell River and Comox Valley. For more information, go to deborahjoyce.ca.
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