Touch is one of those things that can speak volumes to your partner without using actual words. Believe it or not, if you don’t really want to be touching your partner, but you’re trying to anyway, your partner will feel it. The same applies when your sweetie wants a back rub to try and relax and you want a more intimate evening; they will sense it.
Of course, we want to please our partners and offer them what they need in the moment, but sometimes we have different needs and we do not realize how what we are offering is being received.
The secret to great touch is that intention, presence and connection are everything; that means being aware of any thoughts or feelings happening inside of you before beginning any sort of touching. It also means being clear in what you want to offer, as well as what your partner wants to receive. If there’s a discrepancy in these two things, speak about it and see if it is possible to meet each other’s needs without crossing boundaries.
Becoming familiar with the different styles of touch is helpful. There are three main styles: therapeutic, affectionate and sensual.
Therapeutic touch can be a scalp massage for a headache, a back rub to soothe some big feelings or a foot massage after a long day at work. This style of touch says, “I want to take care of you.”
Affectionate touch is a more playful kind of touch, such as a playful bum grab, a laughter-filled wrestling match or a squeeze of the shoulder to show encouragement or support. This style of touch says, “I want to be playful.”
Sensual touch can be a long, slow kiss, a lingering feather touch on bare skin or running your hands through your honey’s hair with sultry eye contact. This style of touch says, “I want you.”
The nice thing about each of these styles of touch is that each one has a clear intention of what it is about, as well as the option to smoothly escalate to the next level, stay exactly where you are or slow it down without losing connection with each other.
So, the next time you feel inspired to give or receive, see if you can communicate what you have in mind based on the three levels of touch. If you find you and your partner have a discrepancy in needs, start with touch that is lower on the spectrum (healing or affectionate) and see if there is space to move along the spectrum once your partner feels met.
Niseema Emery is a certified intimacy and relationship coach in Powell River.
