In my coaching work with my clients around mindfulness, we often explore the challenging topic of thinking — specifically, the thoughts that drive our beliefs.
Similar thoughts over and over become beliefs, and are also the filters in which we perceive our lives and our relationships. In destructive patterns and dysfunctional relationships, it requires courage to take an honest look at what beliefs may be behind the thoughts that trigger our feelings of anger, resentment, fear, frustration or sadness. etc. These beliefs could be as old as our very first experiences in life.
I am a fan of the work of Byron Katie, who suggests there are four questions to ask when doing the work of looking within to acknowledge our beliefs and attachments in any situation that causes distress. The four question are:
Is it true? We often make assumptions that what we believe to be true is shared by all parties involved. This is evident when we accuse another of thinking something or intending something. “You think…” or “You are trying to make me feel…” or “You are (fill in the blank that creates a victimized feeling)”. When we finger point, we hold the other party responsible for intending what we perceive and then we can justify our response (which may be quite hostile).
How do we know it is absolutely true? Are we certain we are right, no matter what? Could there possibly be room for alternative perceptions? Rather than wholeheartedly believing our thoughts, can we ask ourselves if they are truly valid and verified, or are they just triggering an old belief in us that is needing to be validated or healed?
How do we react when we believe our thinking mind? When people are firmly attached to a negative belief or victim mentality, they will lash out with justification whenever they are triggered — often in a much more hostile volatile way than is necessary. A ‘win at all costs’ mentality is not conducive to constructive fair relationships. What if we could just observe the negative thought and do an emotional check-in (ask ourselves these questions) before communicating or taking action?
Who would we be without these thoughts or beliefs? Byron Katie suggests turning the thought around to explore possible alternative perspectives. What if the other party feels the same way? What if we could replace our negative angry thoughts with ones that are gentler, fairer and driven by compassion and understanding.
After exploring our thoughts and asking the four questions, we can broaden our perspective, challenge our assumptions, and find new ways of interpreting our experiences.
For example, when we accuse someone of gaslighting us or trying to control us, is it possible that they feel the same way? There may be competition at play which involves both parties. Competition is a relationship killer. The work method requires an open mind but is very helpful in letting go of the idea that we are the only (or biggest) victim in any challenging situation.
Life can be a four-letter word sometimes but that which does not kill us has the potential to make us stronger if we are willing to change our perspective and look for the lessons, rather than just allowing ourselves to be triggered. This particular concept of owning our own triggers is a topic of another article but we can learn more about our triggers if we are willing and see them as teachers rather than our Achilles heels or someone else’s fault.
The work requires introspection, accountability, understanding and deep acceptance, and forgiveness of our own dualistic human condition and the human condition in others.
Claire Nielsen is a columnist, health coach, public speaker, author and founder of www.elixirforlife.ca.
