Monogamy has been facing some challenges these days. In many circles it is seen as outdated and even unnatural for our human species.
As a sex and relationship coach who completed much of her training in San Francisco, I often felt like the black sheep among my peers because my personal preferences for being in a relationship lean more toward the monogamy model.
With that said, I’m also somewhat envious of those folks who seem to glide through non-monogamy with ease. “Jealousy? What jealousy?”
But, of course, I’m just projecting my own fantasies onto what it might be like; real life is likely much more varied.
In all seriousness, something I notice about the debate of monogamy versus non-monogamy is that it seems one model has to be better or more superior to the other. In other words, one is right and the other is wrong.
I find this an unfortunate way of thinking that does not leave much room for curiosity or exploration on either side of the debate. Also, why does there need to be a debate in the first place? Is it not possible for people to have their own preferences and needs? At different places in their lives, these needs may shift.
Monogamy is not for everyone, just like non-monogamy is not for everyone. I’m not against either of the lifestyles, I just want to bring some perspective to the storyline.
A belief system is out there that, from the caveman days, non-monogamy is our species’ natural way of being. Currently, we are living in a largely monogamist society and, according to the above belief system, we are going against our natural way of being.
It is also not natural to drink breast milk from another species, however, the dairy business has been booming for years and the planet has not exploded, so it is probably okay to do what feels best for you, regardless of what our ancestors did a million years ago.
Each style of relationship has its own challenges and rewards, and for some (myself included) non-monogamy might just be too stressful on the nervous system. For others, monogamy is really uncomfortable, and there is no shame in that, at least not from me (or my mentor who passed this reminder on to me).
The thing I do encourage is to examine your choices and the story you tell yourself. Is it in alignment with your desires and the actions you take? Sometimes we get so caught up in the “white picket fence” fantasy that is sold to us that we forget to take our actual needs into account.
When we see the “serial cheater,” I wonder how life might be different if they were honest with themselves and their partners about their need for non-monogamy.
Life might be a lot happier for everyone involved if we valued honesty with self as much as we value the model of monogamy.
Niseema Emery is a certified intimacy and relationship coach in Powell River.
